Horses

There is a Zen story in which a man seems to travelling someone important quickly on a horse. A man along the road asks ” Where are you going? ” to this the man replies ” I don’t know. Ask the horse. ”

Sunday I saw my horse for just a momment. I woke up up at 5:00 AM, took 5 minutes to breathe and did yoga  then had a bowl of flax before heading out the door. It was hard getting up in the morning and taking the time to control my breath for 5 minutes and it was hard to do yoga and eat that bowl. But as I progressed through each of my task I felt better and better.

When I got to work because I had such a good morning I felt really good about myself. Too good I think, when I accomplish something small like that morning my head gets big and that’s always the wrong attitude to have. The reason I felt great was because I went against my horse. I forced it to do something completely different. So with that in mind about to keep going against the grain of my habits.

In the morning I was full meaningless pride when I got to work. I think it showed that I was in a bad headspace and it affected the begginning of my work morning. As the day went on I started to serve Ice Cream to people for Diamond Integrated Marketing and the act of servin slapped some of that foolish pride out of me. I looked at people faces and they were so happy and thankful. I started to feel really dumb for feeling any pride at all for what I had done in the morning. I feel that I only took a very small look at my horse and that it would take a whole lot more to actually reign it in.

I took this video during that day to try to capture some of what I was experiencing. It was such a possitive day for me and I was hoping that if I could capture the spirit of who I was in the momment it might help me find a company with a similar espirit out here in Vancouver. I tried sharing it with some emails I sent yesterday in the job hunt. I won’t send it again as I don’t think it had a good responce but I’m glad I took the chance. My life has always improved when I took chances, even if I failed when I took the chance I was glad to not have to live with regret in my heart.

There are a lot of things I do without thinking. The one that I regret the most right now is how little I believe in myself when I’m putting myself out there for jobs. I look at these post and they all say ” Must have X and Y to be considered. ” and I don’t have any of those things. I also continue to allow to measure myself by someone else scale of value. This just gives me a negative self image, it makes me feel cheap and worthless.

You know what I value? Yoga, breathing, controlling my desire, suppressing my ego, being compassionate, contributing in the most sincere way possible, learning and being honest with myself.

They don’t measure up to a lot but these are the things inside my heart. It was because I spent so much of my 20’s wanting other things to become important that I did not really get anything of substance accomplish by my  standards of anyone elses… except for Stacey’s. I don’t know why but Stacey looks at me with such loving eyes. She’s never asked me for anything except for me to live passionately. It’s silly, I allow myself to get so depressed about how other people measure me when what I should really be focusing is my family and what they think of me. But I don’t because I don’t see the horse. Over the last few days I haven’t been keeping my word to myself, because I don’t think “myself” is worth keeping promises to.

Well you know, I started this blog because I see people that have done great “fitness” things they seem like they did them without falter and I falter a lot. I also did it because if I believe that I can show people a new way to look at the world I must do it through my actions and my actions alone. So yeah here it is, some good, some bad and all because of what I did.

Well, not going to beat myself up about it although that is what the horse likes to do. Going to do yoga, go apply for jobs sans crazy genesis video. Here is the video I took of a statue I happened to see the day I had the horse vision. I’m going to keep taking chances, falling down and getting back up.

I want a sausage.

In the mornings I try to have a simple bowl of flax seed for breakfast. Today I woke up and I really wanted to eat the sausage Stacey had cooked for me last night for dinner. I’ve been eating a bowl of flax for breakfast for about a week now. I have been doing it withouth really contemplating why I was doing this. The thought behind it is ” A simple humble meal. ” a small sacrifice. Flax that I grind in the morning and add hot water and milk to it. Simple, filling, nutricious and humble. I’m not a humble man, I hope that by continuing to make small sacrifices and humbling acts I can diminish my ego.
Today as I ate my bowl I kept thinking ” I really want that sausage. ” I felt hunger and the hunger kept calling me to eat the sausage. But in my mind I thought ” I would like to have a morning where nothing died to feed me. Quickly the flax filled my stomach and the physical hunger passed but the desire for the sausage continued.

Truly my desire is caused by my mind, not by my body. I stopped wanting the sausage and just looked at my horse. I’m riding you horse. I see you.

Something worth doing.

My love woke up me today at 7 am because I requested it so to my beloved last night. I irrationally was angry about it because I am a child when I am awaken. After running circles with the childish untrained horse of my mind I eventually gained hold of it reigns and told my mind to control my breathing for 5 minutes. I closed my eyes and listened to this song

It is difficult for me to controlling my breath even for just 5 minutes. I want to go back to letting the horse do as it wants. Today is day 1 of waking up to 5 minutes of breath control. I sacrifice this five minutes to release myself from Mara’s chains. Small steps.

Mara – Envy

Mara in mythology is the personification of desire inside my soul. Right now I am completely under it’s footing. I look at another person and I think “I wish.” and when I look into the future I think  “I hope.” and when I look at my progress I say to myself “Not enough.” this creates a great deal of misery in my mind and it hurts my and those around me. I let the boat of my mind travel without direction on the stream of consciousness. I lack discipline and control of my thoughts.

Someone once told me that a fearless man cannot prove his courage because courage is the act of overcoming the fear inside the heart.

Before I was blessed with my family I was alone. I desired little and I was happy in the moment. I had nothing to lose so I worked hard to prove to the worth my value. I took wild chances because there was nothing to lose. My mind feels very muddle with doubt and fear because right now someone loves me. This act is of immense impact to someone like me who has dearly believed to be complete unlovable and unworthy of attention. Thank you for loving me Stacey, thank you for believing in me, thank you for supporting me, thank you for sharing your life with mine. I promise to keep becoming a better person regardless of what the future hold I will continue to attempt nobility in my life.

I do not have wisdom to impart to anyone. I listen to people who lived their believes passionately. I try to keep their words in my heart and hope that they have an effect on me. I know both yoga, breath control and the study of the wisdom of many are key in all. One day I hope I can impart some of this wisdom on to my children but first I must apply it to myself.

I always feel happier when I look directly at Mara. Let our struggle continue.

I do not believe in myself.

I do not believe in myself. I am in a battle with my mind every morning and when I lose, a crippling fear that floods my mind and it kill the seeds of wisdom my teachers imparted upon me.

I allow my value as a person to be dictated by outside sources. Not good enough I say to myself. Not strong enough I say to myself. Not worth anything. I dishonor my teachers in this practice. I need to come up with my own Dharma. Both the Buddha and Socrates encouraged me to forge my own path. They wrote no map to lead me to enlightenment as I must write my own map.

I need to write my own Dharma. I don’t know what it is that I’m doing but the message the aforementioned two left behind continues to inspire me.

 

Morning in Vancouver

I wake up full of doubts in the morning. I’m afraid my dreams are impossibly unrealistic. That I’m not capable of achieving them. The Buddha teaches that happiness is about being mindful of the present momment.

I’ve been working towards my dream for 2 days now. If I focus only on the finish line it all seems in vain. I need to keep focusing in today, in the work that can be done to achieve. I’m trying to keep my promises, to be good to my word, to cultivate noble thoughts, to control my urges. Through out the day I keep the thoughts of Buddha in my mind and everything I stray from what is best my mind takes a quick note of it saying ” that could had been better. ”

 

Breathe….