Hiding under the skirt of my teachers.

Last night Stacey looked deeply inside my heart to show me things that I keep from myself out of fear.  When faced a challenging aspect of myself, my actions and thoughts echo how I acted when I was young and alone.

By practicing yoga which is something out of my usual fear path I can see things from a different prespective and hopefully achieve a different result from the past.

 

I have been hiding behind the shaddow of the Buddha. I do not believe in myself. This is the truth Stacey showed me yesterday. Namaste.

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Inside, not outside.

Everything I need in terms of wisdom is this, inside, not outside.

Yesterday I thought about doing my yoga the whole day, but it was not to happen at all. The reason for this was not because I lacked time or motivation as I had plenty of both. The reason why I did not do my yoga was because my day from the first moment of awareness was focused on the outside, not the inside.

First I had a rich self satisfying breakfast and thought, I’ll do yoga soon. Then I played minecraft and thought, I’ll do yoga soon. This continued on and on and the further the song of my day continued, the harder it became to change the tune.

Maybe this is the same for life but at a much larger scale. Today I woke up and drank water first. This entry is the second thing I have done.  I had a very inspiring dream tonight, one of a young man who lives passionately and for other people. When he died, he had touched many and his life had sparked beauty to continue on the life of others.

It was a good dream to have. It will inspire me to live passionately today.

Speaking the concept of suffering.

Suffering.

Suffering is a concept that I use when I share of my beliefs and practices with anyone. This usually elicits an invitation to change the word or a suggestion that suffering is not the word I meant to use.

I’ve considered changing the word but in the end I believe that in doing that it would be turning away from the suffering and pain in everyone’s life. In my life I’ve turned away from suffering constantly without pause. It is the common thread running through my experiences.

When I give in to my fears my suffering is extended. I feel terribly guilty about not living up to my beliefs and although I avoided the initial suffering, all it does is postpone it and then extend the amount of time I spend suffering.

I either run or push away all suffering.

From listening to wisdom of Gautama Buddha, the examination of suffering is key in the absolution of it. In the morning I believe that directly looking at my suffering is the only solution.

My suffering take form in yoga. I do not like doing yoga it causes mental and physical suffering. I’m afraid of walking the yoga path that, I will not have the strength of will to follow through.

I think facing my suffering cultivates something meaningful inside of me. I think it cultivates wisdom to choose one’s own suffering and facing it head on that to run from it until it inevitably catches up with me.

Every morning I try to choose my suffering in choosing it daily I think it will slowly turn my suffering into joy. Well see if I’m right, the philosopher is the proof of the wisdom of the philosophy.

Today I face this suffering.

Namaste.

Horses

There is a Zen story in which a man seems to travelling someone important quickly on a horse. A man along the road asks ” Where are you going? ” to this the man replies ” I don’t know. Ask the horse. ”

Sunday I saw my horse for just a momment. I woke up up at 5:00 AM, took 5 minutes to breathe and did yoga  then had a bowl of flax before heading out the door. It was hard getting up in the morning and taking the time to control my breath for 5 minutes and it was hard to do yoga and eat that bowl. But as I progressed through each of my task I felt better and better.

When I got to work because I had such a good morning I felt really good about myself. Too good I think, when I accomplish something small like that morning my head gets big and that’s always the wrong attitude to have. The reason I felt great was because I went against my horse. I forced it to do something completely different. So with that in mind about to keep going against the grain of my habits.

In the morning I was full meaningless pride when I got to work. I think it showed that I was in a bad headspace and it affected the begginning of my work morning. As the day went on I started to serve Ice Cream to people for Diamond Integrated Marketing and the act of servin slapped some of that foolish pride out of me. I looked at people faces and they were so happy and thankful. I started to feel really dumb for feeling any pride at all for what I had done in the morning. I feel that I only took a very small look at my horse and that it would take a whole lot more to actually reign it in.

I took this video during that day to try to capture some of what I was experiencing. It was such a possitive day for me and I was hoping that if I could capture the spirit of who I was in the momment it might help me find a company with a similar espirit out here in Vancouver. I tried sharing it with some emails I sent yesterday in the job hunt. I won’t send it again as I don’t think it had a good responce but I’m glad I took the chance. My life has always improved when I took chances, even if I failed when I took the chance I was glad to not have to live with regret in my heart.

There are a lot of things I do without thinking. The one that I regret the most right now is how little I believe in myself when I’m putting myself out there for jobs. I look at these post and they all say ” Must have X and Y to be considered. ” and I don’t have any of those things. I also continue to allow to measure myself by someone else scale of value. This just gives me a negative self image, it makes me feel cheap and worthless.

You know what I value? Yoga, breathing, controlling my desire, suppressing my ego, being compassionate, contributing in the most sincere way possible, learning and being honest with myself.

They don’t measure up to a lot but these are the things inside my heart. It was because I spent so much of my 20’s wanting other things to become important that I did not really get anything of substance accomplish by my  standards of anyone elses… except for Stacey’s. I don’t know why but Stacey looks at me with such loving eyes. She’s never asked me for anything except for me to live passionately. It’s silly, I allow myself to get so depressed about how other people measure me when what I should really be focusing is my family and what they think of me. But I don’t because I don’t see the horse. Over the last few days I haven’t been keeping my word to myself, because I don’t think “myself” is worth keeping promises to.

Well you know, I started this blog because I see people that have done great “fitness” things they seem like they did them without falter and I falter a lot. I also did it because if I believe that I can show people a new way to look at the world I must do it through my actions and my actions alone. So yeah here it is, some good, some bad and all because of what I did.

Well, not going to beat myself up about it although that is what the horse likes to do. Going to do yoga, go apply for jobs sans crazy genesis video. Here is the video I took of a statue I happened to see the day I had the horse vision. I’m going to keep taking chances, falling down and getting back up.

I want a sausage.

In the mornings I try to have a simple bowl of flax seed for breakfast. Today I woke up and I really wanted to eat the sausage Stacey had cooked for me last night for dinner. I’ve been eating a bowl of flax for breakfast for about a week now. I have been doing it withouth really contemplating why I was doing this. The thought behind it is ” A simple humble meal. ” a small sacrifice. Flax that I grind in the morning and add hot water and milk to it. Simple, filling, nutricious and humble. I’m not a humble man, I hope that by continuing to make small sacrifices and humbling acts I can diminish my ego.
Today as I ate my bowl I kept thinking ” I really want that sausage. ” I felt hunger and the hunger kept calling me to eat the sausage. But in my mind I thought ” I would like to have a morning where nothing died to feed me. Quickly the flax filled my stomach and the physical hunger passed but the desire for the sausage continued.

Truly my desire is caused by my mind, not by my body. I stopped wanting the sausage and just looked at my horse. I’m riding you horse. I see you.

Something worth doing.

My love woke up me today at 7 am because I requested it so to my beloved last night. I irrationally was angry about it because I am a child when I am awaken. After running circles with the childish untrained horse of my mind I eventually gained hold of it reigns and told my mind to control my breathing for 5 minutes. I closed my eyes and listened to this song

It is difficult for me to controlling my breath even for just 5 minutes. I want to go back to letting the horse do as it wants. Today is day 1 of waking up to 5 minutes of breath control. I sacrifice this five minutes to release myself from Mara’s chains. Small steps.

Mara – Envy

Mara in mythology is the personification of desire inside my soul. Right now I am completely under it’s footing. I look at another person and I think “I wish.” and when I look into the future I think  “I hope.” and when I look at my progress I say to myself “Not enough.” this creates a great deal of misery in my mind and it hurts my and those around me. I let the boat of my mind travel without direction on the stream of consciousness. I lack discipline and control of my thoughts.

Someone once told me that a fearless man cannot prove his courage because courage is the act of overcoming the fear inside the heart.

Before I was blessed with my family I was alone. I desired little and I was happy in the moment. I had nothing to lose so I worked hard to prove to the worth my value. I took wild chances because there was nothing to lose. My mind feels very muddle with doubt and fear because right now someone loves me. This act is of immense impact to someone like me who has dearly believed to be complete unlovable and unworthy of attention. Thank you for loving me Stacey, thank you for believing in me, thank you for supporting me, thank you for sharing your life with mine. I promise to keep becoming a better person regardless of what the future hold I will continue to attempt nobility in my life.

I do not have wisdom to impart to anyone. I listen to people who lived their believes passionately. I try to keep their words in my heart and hope that they have an effect on me. I know both yoga, breath control and the study of the wisdom of many are key in all. One day I hope I can impart some of this wisdom on to my children but first I must apply it to myself.

I always feel happier when I look directly at Mara. Let our struggle continue.