Hiding under the skirt of my teachers.

Last night Stacey looked deeply inside my heart to show me things that I keep from myself out of fear.  When faced a challenging aspect of myself, my actions and thoughts echo how I acted when I was young and alone.

By practicing yoga which is something out of my usual fear path I can see things from a different prespective and hopefully achieve a different result from the past.

 

I have been hiding behind the shaddow of the Buddha. I do not believe in myself. This is the truth Stacey showed me yesterday. Namaste.

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Horses

There is a Zen story in which a man seems to travelling someone important quickly on a horse. A man along the road asks ” Where are you going? ” to this the man replies ” I don’t know. Ask the horse. ”

Sunday I saw my horse for just a momment. I woke up up at 5:00 AM, took 5 minutes to breathe and did yoga  then had a bowl of flax before heading out the door. It was hard getting up in the morning and taking the time to control my breath for 5 minutes and it was hard to do yoga and eat that bowl. But as I progressed through each of my task I felt better and better.

When I got to work because I had such a good morning I felt really good about myself. Too good I think, when I accomplish something small like that morning my head gets big and that’s always the wrong attitude to have. The reason I felt great was because I went against my horse. I forced it to do something completely different. So with that in mind about to keep going against the grain of my habits.

In the morning I was full meaningless pride when I got to work. I think it showed that I was in a bad headspace and it affected the begginning of my work morning. As the day went on I started to serve Ice Cream to people for Diamond Integrated Marketing and the act of servin slapped some of that foolish pride out of me. I looked at people faces and they were so happy and thankful. I started to feel really dumb for feeling any pride at all for what I had done in the morning. I feel that I only took a very small look at my horse and that it would take a whole lot more to actually reign it in.

I took this video during that day to try to capture some of what I was experiencing. It was such a possitive day for me and I was hoping that if I could capture the spirit of who I was in the momment it might help me find a company with a similar espirit out here in Vancouver. I tried sharing it with some emails I sent yesterday in the job hunt. I won’t send it again as I don’t think it had a good responce but I’m glad I took the chance. My life has always improved when I took chances, even if I failed when I took the chance I was glad to not have to live with regret in my heart.

There are a lot of things I do without thinking. The one that I regret the most right now is how little I believe in myself when I’m putting myself out there for jobs. I look at these post and they all say ” Must have X and Y to be considered. ” and I don’t have any of those things. I also continue to allow to measure myself by someone else scale of value. This just gives me a negative self image, it makes me feel cheap and worthless.

You know what I value? Yoga, breathing, controlling my desire, suppressing my ego, being compassionate, contributing in the most sincere way possible, learning and being honest with myself.

They don’t measure up to a lot but these are the things inside my heart. It was because I spent so much of my 20’s wanting other things to become important that I did not really get anything of substance accomplish by my  standards of anyone elses… except for Stacey’s. I don’t know why but Stacey looks at me with such loving eyes. She’s never asked me for anything except for me to live passionately. It’s silly, I allow myself to get so depressed about how other people measure me when what I should really be focusing is my family and what they think of me. But I don’t because I don’t see the horse. Over the last few days I haven’t been keeping my word to myself, because I don’t think “myself” is worth keeping promises to.

Well you know, I started this blog because I see people that have done great “fitness” things they seem like they did them without falter and I falter a lot. I also did it because if I believe that I can show people a new way to look at the world I must do it through my actions and my actions alone. So yeah here it is, some good, some bad and all because of what I did.

Well, not going to beat myself up about it although that is what the horse likes to do. Going to do yoga, go apply for jobs sans crazy genesis video. Here is the video I took of a statue I happened to see the day I had the horse vision. I’m going to keep taking chances, falling down and getting back up.