Last night Stacey looked deeply inside my heart to show me things that I keep from myself out of fear. When faced a challenging aspect of myself, my actions and thoughts echo how I acted when I was young and alone.
By practicing yoga which is something out of my usual fear path I can see things from a different prespective and hopefully achieve a different result from the past.
I have been hiding behind the shaddow of the Buddha. I do not believe in myself. This is the truth Stacey showed me yesterday. Namaste.
Everything I need in terms of wisdom is this, inside, not outside.
Yesterday I thought about doing my yoga the whole day, but it was not to happen at all. The reason for this was not because I lacked time or motivation as I had plenty of both. The reason why I did not do my yoga was because my day from the first moment of awareness was focused on the outside, not the inside.
First I had a rich self satisfying breakfast and thought, I’ll do yoga soon. Then I played minecraft and thought, I’ll do yoga soon. This continued on and on and the further the song of my day continued, the harder it became to change the tune.
Maybe this is the same for life but at a much larger scale. Today I woke up and drank water first. This entry is the second thing I have done. I had a very inspiring dream tonight, one of a young man who lives passionately and for other people. When he died, he had touched many and his life had sparked beauty to continue on the life of others.
It was a good dream to have. It will inspire me to live passionately today.
I go to sleep and think you’ll leave me. Every morning I wake up and you are still there. Thank you.
Update: Feb 21st 2017
Well I’m a blogger now. I started this blog back in 2011 for who knows what reasons. I was living in Calgary and during some desperate time I started this for blog to maintain some sanity I’m sure.
The lady below was my girlfriend at the time and we went on to move together to Vancouver in 2011. Life went on and were married and the shortly after divorce with no kids and a broken heart.
It’s been years ever since then and I’ve trying my best to move on.
Siddhārtha Gautama was a normal man as am I.
Suffering is a concept that I use when I share of my beliefs and practices with anyone. This usually elicits an invitation to change the word or a suggestion that suffering is not the word I meant to use.
I’ve considered changing the word but in the end I believe that in doing that it would be turning away from the suffering and pain in everyone’s life. In my life I’ve turned away from suffering constantly without pause. It is the common thread running through my experiences.
When I give in to my fears my suffering is extended. I feel terribly guilty about not living up to my beliefs and although I avoided the initial suffering, all it does is postpone it and then extend the amount of time I spend suffering.
I either run or push away all suffering.
From listening to wisdom of Gautama Buddha, the examination of suffering is key in the absolution of it. In the morning I believe that directly looking at my suffering is the only solution.
My suffering take form in yoga. I do not like doing yoga it causes mental and physical suffering. I’m afraid of walking the yoga path that, I will not have the strength of will to follow through.
I think facing my suffering cultivates something meaningful inside of me. I think it cultivates wisdom to choose one’s own suffering and facing it head on that to run from it until it inevitably catches up with me.
Every morning I try to choose my suffering in choosing it daily I think it will slowly turn my suffering into joy. Well see if I’m right, the philosopher is the proof of the wisdom of the philosophy.
Today I face this suffering.