Suffering

She asked me what I wanted for dinner. Steak was suggested. I told her that I didn’t want steak. That if she wanted to eat steak she could get one for herself. We could share the veggies and I could have something else. She said that we hadn’t had steak for two weeks. That she just wanted something easy. I told her that she could have steak and I would have something else. She reminded me of how we hadn’t had steak in two weeks. She told me that we would have whatever I wanted for dinner. I told her that it felt unfair for her not to have steak because I didn’t want steak.  She told me that it was very important for her to eat the same meal together. She told me to pick what I wanted for dinner. I asked for 2 cans of black beans and a green pepper. She replied ” Can’t we have something normal? ” from here on it’s all a blur. I only remember her saying that we would eat separate meals. Then she hung up.

I called her back. I told her that I was not happy with how the conversation ended. She told me that we were having a disagreement. She said that she knew why I was angry. Because of how she spoke to me. Because she was the bad person. She was the one who “talked down” to me. That I should think that maybe how I talk to her makes her upset too.

I suffer. Maybe I am difficult to speak with. I’m very sad that I can’t see how I’m upsetting her. I feel that because I cannot see why I am being a source of stress for my partner.I’m the source of our suffering… It’s hard not to compare my childhood with others. It’s hard not to compare my life to hers. She was given everything  from birth. I was also given everything from birth. I shouldn’t compare, but I still do. I feel I am less that I should be given what I born to. I start thinking that obviously I’m the different one. That I’m the one who is abnormal. I’m sorry I’m difficult. I hope you smile when you get home and you forgive me. I’m sorry for everything.

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Being Mindful

Who am I?

“Will you be my god? “

“But I am your house, and you live in me. “

“Be mindful.”

The Buddha’s conviction was true. He knew himself.

“Will you be my god? “

Architect, finally I’ve meet you. You will not rebuild your house again.

“But I am your house, and you live in me. “

Oh lord of my own ego. You are pure illusion. You do not exist. The earth is my witness.

My conviction is not true. I do not know myself.